Life of a Fire Wife

My Confession: I FAKE IT!

Oh get your minds out of the gutter!  Not THAT!!

When people find out that I suffer from depression they really can’t believe it.  “But you’re always so happy!  You always have a smile on my face!  How can you be depressed?”  Well my friends…..here’s why:

I put on a happy face every day and pretend that everything is ok.

I pretend that I’m a wonderful Mom, because it scares me to death that I am being  judged by other Moms.  The truth is, I don’t know how to be a good Mom.  I didn’t exactly have a very good example to go by.  But I try as hard as I can.  I know I make mistakes.

I pretend that I am a perfect wife, because it scares me to death that my Mother-in-law disapproves of almost everything I do.  I don’t sew, cook, take care of my husband and kids or clean my house as good as she thinks I should.

I pretend that I am a perfect wife because the thought of another divorce is more than I can stand.  I wasn’t good enough the first time – what if I’m not good enough this time either?

I pretend I am a happy wife because if Johnny knows I’m not… he will blame himself.  I can’t bear that.

I pretend to be a good friend because I can’t bear to lose the one person who knows me better than anyone.  But there are times when I just can’t do the good friend thing. It’s exhausting.

I pretend to be happy and supportive around my friends because they have problems of their own and shouldn’t be weighed down by my inadequacies.

I pretend to be a good employee because I honestly CARE about the people I serve.  Sometimes, though, (actually often)  it’s just more than I can take.  60+ hours a week, always “on call” in case of  an emergency.  Listening to everyone’s problems even though I have so many of my own and nobody to listen to them.  I’m exhausted from being afraid to fail them.

I pretend to be happy because I can’t face my unhappiness.  I have  memories that eat away at me in my dreams.

I pretend to be happy because it’s all I know how to do.

But when I am alone….the doubts, the fears, the anxiety and the inadequacy eat away at me.  They consume me.  In those moments I believe those things I heard constantly from those who I looked up to.

I will never amount to anything.

I will never be good enough.

No one will ever love me.

I am a terrible Mother.

I should have never had kids.

I am a horrible human being.

I have to prove that they are wrong.  So I pretend.  I fake it.  And sometimes….a LOT of times….I believe it myself.

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5 thoughts on “My Confession: I FAKE IT!

  1. Fake it till you make it is the expression I’ve heard. I do the same. I grin and bear it and tie it up with a pretty pink ribbon so I can pretend it isn’t so bad. I don’t know if it helps to know you’re not alone. But if it is any consolation, I think that you worry about being a good mom and good wife and good friend, means you ARE one.

  2. You’re not alone. So much of our time can be spent comparing our lives with others. Being the “good mom” the “loving wife” the “always there best friend”. Sure there are people who are actually good at one or more of those things (at least it appears that way), and we think ~ I should be more like that. Well, you know what ~ What if we aren’t? So what! Do what you can do and be proud of it. Be proud that your children are growing up knowing what responibility is. Be proud that you are chugging along with your husband making things work. Be proud, that if you really look, you are doing just fine.
    The best WE can be IS good enough.

    PS ~ we must have the same mother-in-law ~ ha!

  3. ladybugfamily on said:

    This is so me. I totally fake it all the time. And when I don’t I feel terrible that someone might think I’m not good enough. Not a good enough wife (like you my, Mother-In-Law has been hard on me… my Grandmother-In-Law actually wrote a letter to my Hubby telling him NOT to marry me. That marrying me would be the biggest mistake of his life. We’ve been married almost 10 years and last Christmas was the FIRST time she addressed the Christmas card to Hubby, AND me, AND the boys…) I’m definitely not good enough to be a Mom. The list goes on and on. Sigh. Pretending gets so exhausting! I just moved my blog from my old Everything-Is-Great blog to a real life blog. Where I will hash out the things that I’m struggling with… SCARY!!!

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