My Confession: I FAKE IT!
Oh get your minds out of the gutter! Not THAT!!
When people find out that I suffer from depression they really can’t believe it. “But you’re always so happy! You always have a smile on my face! How can you be depressed?” Well my friends…..here’s why:
I put on a happy face every day and pretend that everything is ok.
I pretend that I’m a wonderful Mom, because it scares me to death that I am being judged by other Moms. The truth is, I don’t know how to be a good Mom. I didn’t exactly have a very good example to go by. But I try as hard as I can. I know I make mistakes.
I pretend that I am a perfect wife, because it scares me to death that my Mother-in-law disapproves of almost everything I do. I don’t sew, cook, take care of my husband and kids or clean my house as good as she thinks I should.
I pretend that I am a perfect wife because the thought of another divorce is more than I can stand. I wasn’t good enough the first time – what if I’m not good enough this time either?
I pretend I am a happy wife because if Johnny knows I’m not… he will blame himself. I can’t bear that.
I pretend to be a good friend because I can’t bear to lose the one person who knows me better than anyone. But there are times when I just can’t do the good friend thing. It’s exhausting.
I pretend to be happy and supportive around my friends because they have problems of their own and shouldn’t be weighed down by my inadequacies.
I pretend to be a good employee because I honestly CARE about the people I serve. Sometimes, though, (actually often) it’s just more than I can take. 60+ hours a week, always “on call” in case of an emergency. Listening to everyone’s problems even though I have so many of my own and nobody to listen to them. I’m exhausted from being afraid to fail them.
I pretend to be happy because I can’t face my unhappiness. I have memories that eat away at me in my dreams.
I pretend to be happy because it’s all I know how to do.
But when I am alone….the doubts, the fears, the anxiety and the inadequacy eat away at me. They consume me. In those moments I believe those things I heard constantly from those who I looked up to.
I will never amount to anything.
I will never be good enough.
No one will ever love me.
I am a terrible Mother.
I should have never had kids.
I am a horrible human being.
I have to prove that they are wrong. So I pretend. I fake it. And sometimes….a LOT of times….I believe it myself.